ρoεtÏc ŋoŋsεŋsε

the worthy one

2012-02-04T21:30:00.001-08:00

so precious, trembling
it gives me life,
and yet,

having been broken,
trampled upon,
by careless feet,
and dirty hands,

it whimpers.

ah helpless thing,
i've exposed you way too
carelessly,
i'm sorry,
and now i'm reaping the consequences.

who is worthy to hold you?
to feel your touch,
you have so much
to give,
i know
you let too much
get ahold
of you,
too soon.

i must lock you up,
and hide the key
in One who knows
of the worthy one,

who loves and serves
His Son
whose humility
will have won
him you,

patience,
peace...

tremble no more,
no man shall hurt you,
while He holds you.

identity crisis

2011-10-11T20:32:00.000-07:00

je sais pas toujours...

ifs fill me up like
itis from a plateful of doubts piled up
and what-ifs that i didn't get to taste
cuz i'm still running on empty
hungry for what everyone seems to have.

knowing that i have
aucune idée
what is going on around me
Was machen Sie heute Abend?
je sais pas toujours.

some days,
i forget how long i've lived,
i forget my age,
it's just a number...isn't it?

i feel like a midget amongst giants
in an expectation room
lined up
i can't even reach the stage.

i'm in the middle of my lifestory
and i've lost the page
i've lost the grip of where i'm supposed to be.

who am i?

je sais pas toujours...

my name is Ellipses...
i have framed exclamation marks all over my walls,
i recall: i've thought those dreams achievable,
but i didn't know that the clock was racing against me
nobody had told me
that time is evil
threatening me with interrogations
cornering me in the dark with sharp question marks

who am i?
je sais pas toujours.

An Insomniac Dreams

2011-06-22T23:06:00.000-07:00

An Insomniac
Dreams
of impossible things
wrapped in hope-dashed irony;
Needless to say,
he is not the least bit
happy, since

An Insomniac
Rests
in lofty fantasies
that hover above
her head at night,
and haunt her days
with shattering echoes
that drop slowly in
slow motion
never to
fall
into
place.

Insomniacs sleep
on rainbows
where youth grows,
and love shows,
and
trials die young;
where unsung melodies ring
laughter-covered door
bells, and lavender leaves
fall gently on the
bottom of your feet.

A treat.
Beat.
Achey.
Weariness wears me
upon its shoulder,
draped accross its back.

A jacket.

Blanketing.

Cold sores blatantly blinking away disappointments.

An Insomniac Dreams
in the cold , late , December
They rest in their Tomorrow
awake without slumber.

You sing it back to me

2011-06-14T08:13:00.000-07:00

Friend, You know the song in my heart
and when i've forgotten the words,
You sing it back to me.

You see my soul's melody,
and You quote my dreams:
moment by moment,
fleeting feelings held locked
down by pure sincerity.

Because of You, I fear not
of yesterdays chasing me down
through bad dreams like a
chokehold, no
I've let go of those chains,
they no longer cling to my
desperate fingertips; free
to be held by You.

I always knew,
that we've known each other in Tomorrow,
and because You're here,
Today is Beautiful.

angsty free verse untitled

2011-05-23T16:26:00.001-07:00

since i'm not one to gloat of success
when it comes to matters of the heart

since i've been just a victim
of pretty messes that jerks like to make
as if they were little boys playing in the sand
and my head was a sandbox
just so disposably unimportant,
keep me confused i remember the past
well.

so since at least
i've made wisdom of my experiences,
re-hashed pieces of broken dreams,
to discreetly understand the 20/20 of hindsight-ness

i feel so desiring of this
ignorant bliss,
that i seem so alienated from.

cursed observations,
realizations,
can't you leave me alone?

i hate knowing too much of fakery.
i know its too faces too well,
and their masks even better,
and they plant bitter seeds of irony in my soul.

cleft on this, no remnants lie of hope anymore,
keeping up with lives, real resentments grow against
even supposed friends'
because my eyes are witness to
vices of humanity.

is this keeping me
far from lovely happiness?

cloudy mists of
fists still clenched,
i feel too inclined to anger.

ashamed.

still me, still waters,
reproached,
purge out these weaknesses,
though strong in ideals,
i've been a prisoner to my dreams.

Caesar's Avonlea

2011-05-18T11:35:00.000-07:00

if pictures could only
be moments
attainable,

i'd step into the simplest of times,
and stay forever.

why are imagined others so much better
than the close reality?

but life does not wait,
it is not at all patient...
as seconds pass and build
a mountain
of hopes and dreams
piled higher on top of me
heaps of things i love
but can never enjoy it seems

i just want something
Priceless

speak to me
like Friends,
Romans
Countrymen

listening leaned , loaned,
you've come to bury me
I know
and praises are all adrift from this:

old sadness
keeps to memories,
clings to fiction,
dreamless sleeps.

i am a Rose
withering in the rainfall

i was meant for the islands,
and landlocked i've been kept at bay.

Conquering my garden shed,
no flowers lay before me,

these roots run deep
my petals red,
and gray lilting clouds
hover endlessly...

like waves that crash,
against tomorrow,
still i look back
to cherished "Avonlea"

pretty brown eyes

2011-05-04T20:39:00.000-07:00

pretty brown eyes,
batting so distinctly,
loving every look it beckons its way.

every move,
fronting of purity,
sensing every guy that notices its sway.

you say,
i'm made of innocence,
i lavish myself with only influence
so good,

but i see,
underneath this so -called beauty,
pretenses i hate, why must they be
in the hollow of your soul?

fences, i feel
growing up between us,
i can't help but defend myself
when facades leak through
and i'm nearby.

pity, i loved
getting to know
but maybe too much is never the answer.

can't make myself full of ignorance now,
i know, but can i
somehow
still smile sweetly on,
in your presence, i live but not dwell...
i've learned to make shells,
and bubble wrapped apathy

that lives inside me.

by Mary Elizabeth Frye 1932

2011-04-22T21:13:00.000-07:00

Do not stand at my grave and weep,

I am not there, I do not sleep.

I am in a thousand winds that blow,

I am the softly falling snow.

I am the gentle showers of rain,

I am the fields of ripening grain.

I am in the morning hush,

I am in the graceful rush

Of beautiful birds in circling flight,

I am the starshine of the night.

I am in the flowers that bloom,

I am in a quiet room.

I am in the birds that sing,

I am in each lovely thing.

Do not stand at my grave bereft

I am not there. I have not left.

a musician's rant part 1

2011-03-31T21:20:00.000-07:00

Music Weeps

those first beats in common time
like first steps to walking
sometimes they start crawling
before they can even run

that first key on white
baby fingers finding its way
to making a melody,
tune in
into a world that's yours to discover

the first strums of dissonance
ringing of innocence
for truly the heart is there to learn
some more

so many have strove so far
the calluses on their finger tips:
battle wounds for their victory

yet why do they make music weep?

they drain it dry of purity
so they mock its veracity,
they spit at its face,
and autotune it into empty counterfeits,
which they take
and place it on a pedestal

leaving Music weeping
off in the corner.

my karate kid

2011-03-24T14:37:00.000-07:00

back when i thought i knew love...
in the golden days of youthful ignorance,
& when my heart was whole:

you happened.

a random laugh,
a silly smile,

i had all there was to offer,
and you stood with your arms open.

how can someone have so much ease
with strangers?

or maybe strange is what we were but not

cuz you knew each word i thought of
before i even said it,

and boy,
you made me love to laugh.

if we sorted back
through old documents,
see each captured moment,

i wish there was a time
when you spoke freely of your love,

just as easy as you made those promises,
of halloween nights
& wondergrads missed,
& prom nights that you weren't even dressed for.

can i give you a white bandana?
would you remember
everything then?

childish ninja jokes,
i'm still part-turtle,
& inside of you,
is left a little piece of Larry -

red and lonely,
living inside your nose.

you say love

2011-03-18T17:33:00.000-07:00

when you say love
do sparks fly
into shy pink cheeks
so warm like a heart. b-beat. beat. running
away?

when you say love
do you smile like you can't help it
as if gravity has a hold on you sideways?
as if when you ever part ways,
like your chest will fall apart ways?

or is it like a seedling
dropped into empty waters,
coarse deserted streets,
that you whisper...
into - love?

breeze it into love

leave it up to love

would you leave it up to fate?

would you blame it on destiny
if i was the haunting (love to hate)
of your everyday-time play-time break-

time take-time-to make time for me time?

do you like time when
you say love is present
on attendance sheets on my dear diaried heart-shaped documents.

would you say that you love time
if we were apart & it made our hearts grow fonder
like they say time
does when you're away for too long?

distance is like a place time.
it's like a waste time, you may feel time running past so slowly walking up a steep-time hill-type obstacle when we're apart-love.

is this a full love,
would you say, love,
like your whole heart you've given to me?

or is this a half-love
like i'm just buying into these words of yours
a ticket into a ride of your amusing roller coaster lies?

high above,
like cliched in love flying
walking on silver-lining clouds, the special kind made of fantasy
wish-ful thinking clinking tea with imagined gentlemen.

but you say love,
so easily it slips from your mouth
love like you swear you'd lay your life love,
that kind of love you wanna die love
if you can't be with me
wanna cry love when you're apart from me
but feel that high love inside of me cuz you say you're like a part of me
so why do you wanna be like a dart on my hartboard dartbroken lies.

actions make me wanna believe words.
i wanna see you do like what i've heard
you say , love. like this.

make love like this.
take love like this,
but you must
give love like this.

have love like this is the way you can
share love like this.

but if you say love,
do you feel love?

if love breaks, can you heal love?
can you fix its broken cracks like a shattered platter of broken promises?

before you say love, before you take mine,
before you promise, maybe you should take time -

to learn how to

show love.

my bosom friend

2011-03-15T13:37:00.001-07:00

(Bosom-Friend is a term Anne of Green Gables used a lot)

This is dedicated to my friend Sidra Iqbal :)
A Free-Verse - written off the top of my head , unedited.

My lovely lovely
Bosom-friend
We share that
craze
that nobody gets
like how in touch
can someone be
with their emotions?

who wears their hearts on their sleeve?
Not I,
I wear it on my collar

Insanity,
Are you a friend to me?
Or are you like my neighbour,
so close acquaintance,
but never understood?

Rivers and streams
of Bitter Laughter,
You know how it feels
to Choke on Weeping

I've tasted the Sweetness
of Bitter Tears
Because like a dam - held up no strength can be that strong to hold it together so long almost forever without taking a breath,

release

you're my listener
when the light gets softer

never do i want it so blinding
the glare never appeases me

but sometimes the truth needs to be told

it pleases me

but roads are never
unending
and acceptance is sometimes
somewhat bitter-sweet

but it always helps
to have understanding
on your way.

like a dark cloud on a sad day

2011-03-14T18:07:00.000-07:00

I.

i used to be sunshine

march weather, i defied you
with my upbeat

i laughed at rain clouds,
and drank their weapons.

it fed my rigour.

but now,

i'm like a faint starlight
sheltering in safe shadows,

keeper of my lost hope,
i cower over my gleam of happiness.

if you ask me where i am,
i won't answer.

i am not lost.

maybe i don't want to be found.

II.

you are like
a dark cloud
on a sad day.

you strut in darkness, behind leaves that die
withering.

you strike at smiles
and shut down the glimmering of laughter -

accuser of the irrelevant

your sneer, i abhor.

i ignore your threats.

youre after the
young bud, i am nursing

you want to throw it into your fire

why do you spread your gray
and bake unhappiness?

my gentleman

2011-03-01T21:06:00.000-08:00

it's in the way you charm
a wave of whimsical into sensing.

you lifted me off my feet,
and swept the rest of the trees away,
the windy traces of these affections,

i can't ignore

whether they wash over me
or like a breeze across my cheek,
i can't help but notice

i'm afraid to be in its path,
maybe i'll feel the threat
but succumb to be overcome

from the corner of your eye,
so quick to be so thoughtful,

i'm sure you'll see me fighting
cringing, thinking, struggling

the cold wind is so hard to walk through

it makes me shut my eyes
blind to all around me

i'd be afraid to fall,
not because you might not catch me,
but more because you would

what then?

you open doors so willingly,

how could i neglect it?

but how many would i find inside?

is it just for me?
only?
or is your kindness too familiar to strangers?

i'd rather i saw you weeping,
maybe then, i'll know the truth

cuz i'm tired of everybody sleeping
through injustices
no matter how small,
give me a reason for hope again,

that through all this painful turning and returning,
maybe they've realized their mistakes
and fixed them in their learning

to know when someone's controlled you
have bought and sold you

name your price.
know your worth.

who are you?

DE NILE

2011-03-01T20:59:00.000-08:00

“Sometimes reality has a way of sneaking up and biting us in the ass. And when the dam bursts, all you can do is swim. The world of pretend is a cage, not a cocoon. We can only lie to ourselves for so long. We are tired, we are scared, denying it doesn't change the truth. Sooner or later we have to put aside our denial and face the world. Head on, guns blazing. De Nile. It's not just a river in Egypt, it's a freakin' ocean. So how do you keep from drowning in it?

since i didn't exercise with lasers

2011-02-23T16:56:00.000-08:00

i was ready to be chased through the maze
in the dark.

not sure of who was there
amongst friends or foes,
hoping friends.

at least we were.

i was torn
between moving on and being happy.

i was in battle,
in my mind, i was struggling,
not sure of who was winning,
it probably wasn't even me.

so in dreams,
you chased me.
like i always thought you would,
like i felt like you should have
in the way that the world should be.

as if you weren't so proud

and i had not turned so cynical.

but i woke up.

i thought i was ready to be chased in a maze
with my friends

but who am i to say they are?

they lie so willingly,
without hesitation,
they wag their tongues
as if they held the truth.

so low, must i stumble
just to be remembered

i didn't want to stay in the cold
and wait there to be happy

without you, i know i can be happy

so i buried myself
in deep satisfaction
of soft rest,
and ready slumber...

though i was ready to be chased in a maze
with untrusteds...

i chased my own dreams back into myself.

Ransom-Inspired

2011-02-14T21:44:00.000-08:00

Since Stedman named his son Ransom Frost, I've decided to come up with some hipster baby names as a reward to myself for finishing a 48-shot-by-shot-analysis- chart :)

Autumn Keys
Laurel Autumn
Cashmere Winter
Keys Ostinato
Risata Avrel
Amore Soldato
Warner Brave
Lumiere Alegre

Haiku

2011-02-12T20:54:00.001-08:00

Life is but a Breath
So quickly, it fades away.
So breathe deep, and live.

My Lolo Pet

2011-02-07T19:08:00.001-08:00

I didn't know how lucky I was to be your little girl.
I didn't know that you were the best grandpa in the whole universe.
I just knew that I loved you and I didn't realize how much until you left :(

Your memories are all I have left to treasure,
and I will bury them in the confines of my heart-
keep them safe and close to me;
dear lolo,
you taught me how to smile
with my heart wide open-
you carried me across wide fields
and i learned to rest easy because life is worth enjoying.

when i cried my wringing voice out
you comforted me with your presence -

i never felt alone when you were there

under the dark sky ,
you taught me to see the beauty in the starlight,
you were a weaver of stories,
and we were lost in your words.

you listened to us sing forever,
and patiently you loved without limit.

dear lolo,
you taught me that it's okay to cry when the time is right,
that it's alright to be sad because everyone feels pain sometimes.

dear lolo,
you were a light in our hearts,
and you were my safe haven.

Rest in Peace.

splenda personality

2011-01-28T20:57:00.000-08:00

oh andi,
well you came and you took without giving,
so we sent you away,
oh andi,
well you kicked me and stopped me from living
and i remembered today:

that you are who you say you are
a fake sugar
so have some fear,
the camera's here,
and people will kno-ow---
through the telephone---

this is one of those times,
that i'm thankful for gossip
when everyone's lost it,
since who can really know the truth when
everyone is so gullible and
what if she just
keeps taking those chances,
and stepping all over
all the rose-covered glasses-
since we all just wanna be
so lovin,
and so forgivin, and all huggin,

but what if there's a thorn
that's pricking our sides?
and it's the reason why the sun died,
and the light faded-
don't you remember how it was,
and how she paraded out
how some people just like the drama
they like the exclamation points,
forget the comma,
they like to keep the hype up-
keep it coming in,
so many personalities,
i'm not an accountant,
but if you want me to keep countin,
i remember all your lies,
all your fake apologies,
so don't ever try
to phase it on me,
little girl - all over your words now -
i know who you are -

you fake a fresh start,
no apologies,
you draw a faint star,
your neurology,
you see i know how your brain works,
keep it quiet -
your the face that needs to get punched.

*this is dedicated to all the people who have ever hurt me personally, or hurt my friends... who has never ever apologized for what they've done wrong (fake apologies of miscommunication don't count- don't be a coward, it doesn't earn respect) who have pretended to make fresh starts, but continue in their old ways - (and keeping proof of it online (?!wth, do you think people are stupid and can't see it) - stop stepping all over people and pretending to be the victim. you've been fortunate so far to have met such patient and forgiving people, but don't forget, that you're not yet in the real world - where people like you WILL get what you deserve -

and one day when you get punched in the face,
with the reality of the ugliness that you are,

everyone you've hurt will feel a sense of peace -
a calm in the universe,
a feeling that something has been set right,

because you deserve it.

<3. SG for JL and AH :)

uncensored occupation

2011-01-27T22:04:00.001-08:00

mmm why do you stare at me across the room,
keep me in your gaze, let me away, but you
open up your arms so wide, i've seen your face
with a broken heart so -echoed,
i could not leave you empty...

fragile friend, i like you happy =)
i hope one day, it will not change between us...
please keep your uncensored occupation
i always love to be around the comfortable-ness.

like myself

2011-01-27T21:57:00.000-08:00

today, i would like to believe,
that i was most like myself:

i was most like what i am
when i'm comfortable in sweats, and my hair down.

like what i am when i'm cranky and tired and don't really care what people think.

how i am when i'm hungry and the world is my oyster.

how i am when i'm with friends who are real.

if i want to ask favours and i ask with my heart out,
hopes up, can i believe in the kindness of humans one more time?

today, i was random and happy.
today, i loved hugs and laughing.

i was miserable in the morning.

but i may go to sleep smiling.

show me your scar

2011-01-22T22:10:00.000-08:00

show me your scar,
and i'll show you mine..

this is how i know i'm real.

this is how i show i feel.

did it hurt?

because damn, i've felt my heart break into a thousand pieces,
never thinking i would be able to love again...

keep it in a place,
hidden away,
and i've thrown away the key.

' i've got to get away from me '

why do you smile about your shallowness?

unaffected skin -
i've been torn,
the one i'm in,
has felt so much.

i don't mean to hold a grudge,
so i always try to get back up again,

who are you to push me down?

extend my help
to the scarred hands,

they know how it feels to be hurt.

they know how it feels to be human.

they know how it feels to feel.

all i have are moments now

2011-01-22T21:25:00.001-08:00

all i have are moments now,
it's something i can't see-

it's a feeling of emptiness,
deep inside of me.

blurry faces,
it's me trying - to blur you out of my memories.
erase your face, and your traces
that you've left behind
so close

cloudy atmosphere,
i don't even know what i want anymore.

i'm hanging on to
a promise to myself:

that one day you'll be real.
and your face will fill
up all these memories,
and make them just that -
because you'll be the only

one i'll need to remember,
and promise never to forget.

though all i have are moments now,
one day we'll share one together,
and i'll look back on this -

and you'll be all i have,
and say,
our moment's now.

01

2011-01-21T21:18:00.000-08:00

Where do I go if I cannot content
Myself with labor's lost enchantement
I feel like I am much too tried for it
Too tired and weak to resist that hard a hit

As if my body's just an obstacle
To what I think I want not physical
Things or material gain; ephemoral
I know, I don't admit to get it all -

Like if I make a promise to myself
And then, I turn and break it all again
Because alone I can't, but with Your help
It all may not feel like it's been in vain

I know that I cannot yet see
All that you have resolved for me
Your promises are bright, my God
Your staff needs guide me and your rod

For I know that everything I know
Is but a dirty muddy glass
But when to my eyes your wonders show
Then may I understand at last.

exhaustion

2011-01-19T20:02:00.000-08:00

i can no longer stand on my own,
my weak knees,

they can't carry me far.

like a weak wave
dreaming of crashing
against a shore,
but merely,

sifting.

mmm, i need to be rejuvinated.
bring life into me again!

i miss my excited happiness!

greatest fear

2011-01-17T21:10:00.000-08:00

one thing i'm most afraid of,
is never falling in love.

i'm scared that i'll never have that feeling.
the kind where it's pure and out and proudly reciprocal.

no immature boys who don't know what they're doing,
or what they want -

inside, i still dream of
my Prince Charming.

so what if that means i'll have to wait?

i'll watch the stars turn

i'll keep my heart pure

i'll stay - as bright as i can.

so what if that means i'll have plenty to pass up?

move on, boys,
my heart waits for another.

you're being too cynical,
don't be so picky...

but i don't want to settle :(

and my heart is deep,

i can't swim in shallow waters.

love me for who i am,
be the best friend that i could ever ask for.
keep me safe inside your heart,
but most of all,
know how to listen.

i'm only here for a little while,
and friendShip is the building block
that burns deep,
solidifies,
solid Rock in tempests,
lasts through the tests of time.

the way i art; university style

2011-01-14T16:16:00.000-08:00

i think i'm going to do it:

maybe i still have a chance,
but we'll never know anything until we take that

leap

and go out on a - limb.

it's because i'm art's
mistress.
we're never supposed to be apart.
can't leave without you left behind, my love.

i have a dream
that i keep in a pocket inside my
heart.

sometimes i open it up
just for a minute,
peek inside so i can remember
what it was like to hope

it's my self.
i always have a tendency
to blind myself
and write out a fake destiny-
like letting others rule my life,
like letting boys get into my head...

get out,

let me be.

i have to fulfill my -

unwritten.
sealed envelope,
only the highest heavens know-

am i getting closer?

i'm starting to have confidence,
i think i'll let You take control -

the higher i leap,
the more i let go.

i like happy thoughts

2011-01-12T17:26:00.000-08:00

because sunshine
is more than happiness
when the light
and its giddyness
so peaceful
and bright
is freed:

then it's
dangerous.

just like peace,
when in consensus,
who can fight against that?

if my rainbow
offends you,
don't hide behind your smile;
you can have a piece -

pastel coloured sidewalk
back to
reconciliation.

maybe the happy
is in the warm hugs-

hot chocolate
fleece
down feathers

maybe it's in the
i love yous,
and i'm sorrys,

maybe,
instead of forgetting what happened -
people realized that their friends are worth fighting for.

through the miscommunications
and forgiveness,

then perhaps,
happy will be perfected.

i woke up thinking something poetic

2011-01-12T05:00:00.000-08:00

i woke up thinking something poetic today.
but i forgot what it was.
i was in that somewhere
between dream and waking,
still unsure of whether i had come consciously into the morning,

blasted text messages.
of young insecurity.

maybe i'll remember it one day.
i just hope i don't forget to :(

aquessence

2011-01-08T21:20:00.000-08:00

i think some people take things i write too seriously.
to them , i say , chillax.
the world doesn't revolve around you.
there's a reason why i've sort of ditched xanga - too many read about it and look too critically.
take it easy.
the only people who take offense, are those whose subconscious tell them that they've done something wrong.
if you haven't, then you shouldn't even be worrying.

i'm angsty these days.
i think it's because i'm tired of trying to help people and realize that i've been taken advanteaged of.
people like to use and abuse.
and then talk about me behind my back.
what hurts the most, is when you actually think those people are your friends, and at the time that they were doing that, you had no idea.
if you were going to stab me, stab me in the front, not the back.
don't be a coward.

i hate having to be critical of people, because i like to think that people are generally
honest, and down-to-earth.
but i guess that is not the case.

i'm always being reminded of the reality that is filled with the fact ,
that selfish people exist.

it only sucks when they are so polite about using you.

no thanks.

do you think i don't notice that you only talk to me when you need something?
the amount of time and energy i've spent in order to help -
a help that you are not willing to reciprocate.
why?

selfishness.

well , i'm sorry.

i no longer have time for that.

pink free verse

2011-01-07T20:52:00.000-08:00

hey pink thing
all frilly and sweet
ya cologne or somethin
is hittin my nostrils hard.

maybe it's your
sugarry splenda
missy personality
tv celebrity like
feedin off my energy, i
see.

nah, keep it away from me
hey, do me a favour,
don't pretend you don't know
i told you so.
i said to keep it real.
off the top of your head.
take my criticisms,
i say positive feedback -
you cry on your sleeve like
- a high school baby.

don't patronize me.

i know better,
you laughable thing.

don't you have things to do?

a broken love story

2011-01-05T18:18:00.001-08:00

I'm the pieces to a
broken love story.

fragments of smiles
deceased
and hugs
decayed..
lovely feelings remembered.

I'm a broken
romantic comedy,
sarcastic laughter,
bittersweet.

- the potential of the
narratives
fulfilling -

still water,

such noble characters.
such deserving merits.

why must they end and vanish?

cloudy mists
of
heroes.

the spork in the road -

2011-01-01T14:25:00.000-08:00

you're a different
kind of feeling;
a memory in the past.

why do i look at you
and know
i can't be surprised by your
selfishness.

maybe it's a part of growing up
a way to know how to let go
and just take the world as it is
realistically at a time.

but
i can't help feeling
the need to confide,
share my heart's secrets-
it's because i'm
human.

ironic.

that's the reason why
you probably will not listen.

it's the different circles,
so complicated in the way that they
overlap.
keep me guessing
on which one is which,
although i should have always known better:

you don't know my Father.
you love living in the World.
you like basking in your Sin,
while i know - i need - to let go - and cry my Pride out.
Beg for Forgiveness
and Keep myself Pure.

i need to cling closer
to those of my Father's family,
as distant as they may be at times...
i need to stand in the center
of their influence.

as far as their hearts may be
from what i need
to understand
the way i feel.

no sense of reason
erases my confusion-
i'm at a loss for words,
just ready to go.
prepared to stay.

keeping
aware of
all possibilities.

do i love you?

2010-12-26T15:59:00.000-08:00

i'm a big fan of honesty;
go truth, all the way...
but it hurts all the same;
reasons for the cliche -

do you want truth?
do i love you ?
"don't [i]" ?

does that mean -
that broken feeling of
mangled trust -
rusting -
cuz of finished tears -
still running -
the race it should have won.

rigid charity -
it rings with clarity ;
i need to embrace Forgiveness;

but my arms are locked,
it hurts , pinned to my side,
shackles of pride
and your hurtful intentions
have shut off my light

dim-
filled shadows
lurk my airways

i don't know if you'll ever understand
that kind of pain
you put me through -

yet God held my hand,
cuz i did not understand,
no, none of it at all -

i'm sorry
i want to say it
; for my tone,
seeming insincere,

my silent answers
to your blatant awkward
propositions.

it's cuz ur lack of response
has imprisoned me
behind bars of mistrust;
i don't know what to believe anymore;

set me free;
your words are the key;

actions speak louder than words.

( original post )

older freeverses

2010-12-26T15:48:00.000-08:00

struggle so subjective so alonely

at one time,
it was something
i never could imagine ever losing.
in that memory,
it surrounded me-so full of the awe of reality.

air is real and tears are breathing
a part of you back out into misery
sharing your part and your pain
into a world; too familiar with it -

where's that flower ever blooming
that your heart reaches for -

a hope underneath a dark sky looming
shining so faintly through the rain's pour

will it through
the stain-tinted windows
strike out with love's power

laughing winds seem to shaken
as the clouds give shower

and with what hope, and vision do you hold on to
what rope do you cling with
its thread ever fraying
yet you grip even tighter
dream of the time it will feel so much lighter -

because you've realized
that in all of this struggle,
maybe you are just

alone.

( original post )

River Thought

March is one full of possibilities.
Endless amounts of thoughts, and dreamings -
Like a candle ever gleaming -
But ,
what of that wind that gently streaming -
likes to whiff and dance about?
Shan't the light run off screaming -
if it blows the candle out?

I no knot what
happens after -
cans of fish
& boats of laughter;
lovely
lovely

i write it down though
keeping memories
rivers flow-
and down it goes,
through riverdell-
elfen beauties can re-tell;

what happens if;
i do not finish-
i shall ask,
Is the Finnish?
HAH!
She laughs, and I laugh too.
Millions
of
Ideas streaming
Consciousness
Is it dreaming?

This is my River
Thought.

( original post )

no let's stay the way we are [ link to post ]

true reflection [ link to post ]

samuel beckett's [ link to post ]

for rebecca a. ' you are my happy thought' [ link to post ]

what does the world know of love ( link to post )

i miss so choice is still ( link to post )

devotion freeverse

2010-12-26T15:44:00.000-08:00

It is God's love
that keeps me
from not-restraining
----when my soul is waning
----------when i am failing
to still feel safe
because He is there.

When i cannot comprehend
myself,
or life,
or anyone else,
when my mind is full of Free CoNfuSiOn
-------His love is
-------I know
-------that One
------solution for everything
wrong or false and
untrue
aching truths that are
unexplainable
His Love bursts through
it all
and i know
--------from everything and nothing
because i am none

I am because of Him.

----------------------------------
Come home
-----to my open arms,
---------Love says.

Let go of all your questioning.

Your burden wearies -
Rest,
-----Love lends His
-----Openness.

( original post )

friends

2010-12-26T15:39:00.000-08:00

friends

they're like precious diamonds
so sweet and rare
like a bright light in the darkest feelings
like a shining star
so good at healing
wounds you cannot cover

and so it hurts the more
when they disappear
like sands through my fingertips

i cannot stop their going

i cannot hinder their pretty feet
a river swiftly flowing,
through the paths of forest-thoughts
and pebbles of experiences

though our roads may meet
at times when i least expect it

can i build this bridge
and never let you go?

can i lift you up and
never let you fall?

i cannot promise much of anything
but my heart
because i'm home to you,
and you point me to happiness.

and so it hurts the more,
when your light shines so faintly
far from me

i cannot hear your voice
spelling out my destiny
of sweetly smiling souls so joined
by friendship's touch
it hurts so much

when i cannot bring myself to understand
why

when i cannot feel my hand that holds
my
heart.

and why it's numb and cold
when summer times around the bend
and why i feel so old
when there's so much time left to mend
things that are broken
like my
soft and tarnished heart
so bruised and cannot part
from dreaming.

[ Link to Original Post ]

My Poems for Native Lit

2010-12-26T15:31:00.000-08:00

Reflections [ Link to Original Post ]

JigSaw Scars [ Link ]
*based on Richard van Camp's The Lesser Blessed

what i say i am [ Link ]
*based on Drew Hayden Taylor's alterNatives

back when cartoons were racist [ Link ]
*based on my own experiences =P

there are two schools [ Link ]

to imperialism with love [ Link ]

don't give up your syllable [ Link ]

warm happiness in a bitter

2010-12-24T08:32:00.000-08:00

this morning,
i woke up without an alarm :)

toasty inside
my bedtime
covers...

four layers piled up
keep me warm
safe in sleep
and push-away thoughts like
dreamlike stream of fluffy happiness.

don't make me think
of the sad like
things that remind me
of what happens when
your heart is for
someone else.

your happiness
should be
my happiness.

but what if,
i criticize -

inquire
sincerely,
are you happy?

in my pretend
pretense,
i like to keep things
simple.

i like my world
clean
but colourful.

write away thoughts
that nobody else would dare to say
i blot it out thick
in bold ink.

it makes me
happy.

what's ironic is the
warmth and the love
i feel
inside and with
the blessings i hold
close to me.

my family,
so huggable like
beautiful souls
i like to sit in their rooms,
and think about how much i love them.

breathe it in,
smell of their essence...

is it wrong to be
so near the edge
of happiness

because
my heart holds out
for an answer?

question the bitter winds.

ask them why they keep howling.
stop their wailing,
and tell me how you did it.

jessica asked me for a yearbook quote

2010-12-22T22:39:00.000-08:00

and since i know her very well ;)
:

I have a dream that one day people will be judged not by the status of a program,but by the content of their academic character.Thanks Woodlands for teaching me,that even though the system is unfair,TrueColoursWillShine. This school is afraid of me.I have seen its true face.Success is a staircase,not a doorway.BooYah.

i am still giddy about it.
yes about a quote.
you know you're an english major when...

*ps. if u recognized the Martin Luther King, and Watchmen allusions, kudos to u.

why aren't i

2010-12-19T19:38:00.000-08:00

if i could remember correctly,
at all the pain that
love and immaturity
has brought me through -

- then i should be completely
happy
that i am
free
of all of it.

but why aren't i?

why do i always seem to make a big deal out of something small?

i want to yell at myself,
Let it go and Forget it!
Stop living in the past!

I think I like
my pictures

unedited.

One day, I want to make a story
where everyone told the truth
obnoxious even
caring not what others think
as long as it is out there -
- as rude or as cheesy
as it may be

i think people will be happy then.
i think that i will be happy then.

we're going away tomorrow.
somewhere north and far
from here
where so much of my tangled memories
tangos with the past and usses

i should embrace the door
that leads outside this cramping

shut my mind up

draw the lines up
crayon coloured suffering..

maybe it's all
imagination.

but what if it hurts

2010-12-18T19:41:00.000-08:00

i just want you to be happy.

with your particular habits
and quirky preferences -

i just like seeing
the smile on your face
when you can't help
showing it
through your eyes

it shines

it fills the room
wherever i am
with gladness

and for some unexplainable reason

it makes me happy too.

is it love
that makes me feel this way?

is it because
maybe you are
precious
to me
and i just don't know it.

but why did i fear
it most

when it was so near

subtle signs
and inching

the lines are getting
closer
and i hate it
where they blur

the confusion keeps me back

and i keep you in the dark

of how i truly feel.

it's because i
don't think
i'm ready.

i want to be friends
for as long as possible.

but what if
this lack of
knowing
-------------- shoves you away
and the farther you walk
into the distance

the harder it is to breathe

do i blame myself
for wanting to be true
to me?

i can't do anything about it now
i feel

helpless in solving
a problem
that i don't even understand

an idea
that everyone
including me
hints at

but i'm no longer
in the secret plan

unexplainable
so alien to my grasp

i'm letting it go
along with you

and all the possibilities
of the what ifs
along with it.

goodbye,
i'll cry -

as you tell me
quietly,
sitting as close
beside me.

i mourn the
what could have been.

my ideal true

2010-12-15T08:19:00.000-08:00

i remember what it was like
thinking

about all that was
and is
and could have been

i remember so clearly the way that i was
holding

on to the precious memories of
childhood's past
as if a
secret path
into happiness.

i thought that i wanted
you.

i thought that i needed
us.

i thought that it would make me inconceivably happy
and that nothing would come in the way
of destiny.

i realized too late
that i've cliched us out of
existence.

i hung on to an image
with a desperate cling
as if my world depended on it

i let myself be
blinded
by your selfish and unmerciful-
so willingly
i walked to the brink
of my destruction
thinking that you held my hand all along.

not worth my

2010-12-13T15:48:00.000-08:00

so the blog doesn't want to indent where i want it to,
it's not worth my frustration

so i can't focus because i actually don't like this course,
it's not worth my worries.

my heart is pumping way too fast
and i didn't even have any coffee today -
is it worth to tell someone about ?

it's like those little moments that
come with the silence
of time that's already passed away

does it need to be re-said
and re-experienced?

time has left me aged left me tired
and weary
love has left me worn
and a little empty

life like that
an empty cup

do i give it up?
or do i wait for more
to pour
down into my restlessness

endlessness

it keeps pointing back to the
careful apathy of the past

thorny crown
please take it down,
but am i still hanging on to it,
tho my fingers bleed?

if scared , then what

2010-12-08T22:17:00.000-08:00

if scared, then what
do i do
when i fear you

do i still keep on
loving
since that's what
friend's do?

once before
a friend stepped on my love.
and left my trust rusting on the ground
freezing until the spring time

let it to die
and i mourned because i knew
i'd never be that innocent again.

if happy is what i want to be
it's not in the money
or success or fame

because people give me things
like words and lies and they
don't mean a thing

until they do
something to reflect it
reflect it back at me

so i can see
that you are

sincere.

if you close your eyes,

2010-12-08T22:12:00.000-08:00

you could actually see spring.

if you tried and never gave up,
you'll see that you're worth something

not just to others around you
but most importantly,
to yourself

when you sit down
or collapse
late at night
in the quiet, secret place...

when you think...
am i really happy?

what is my smiling face
worth to those around me

do i mean something to them
or am i just another shadow
blocking their light of glory

why do my sentences run on
forever
and never look back?

why do my poems not care
if they don't rhyme?

i sing loudly
without hesitation

i love wholly
and cry my heart out

little darling
all scrunched up
because if it does not feel
then i know something's wrong
and the need to know
that this is real

i keep reaching

maybe life is that
and love is there
leaves in the air all lightly falling
in a moment of happiness

so content

would you be

2010-12-05T21:13:00.001-08:00

if i think you knew me,
you'd know how i would be in those secret times,

when my emotions get the best of me,
or when i feel like feeling nothing -

when i go crazy over the smallest things,
or blatantly show my full humanity,
shameless in letting it all out -

would you listen until i run out of things to say?

would you believe in me
when i don't believe in myself?

would you let me ramble and dream?
and would you stop me if i let myself down?

would you lift me up
and never let me fall?

would you point me back
to the way back to your heart
a home
for friendship
not left behind
but carried with us

on that pick up truck of
growing up -
driving through life's
mud and rocky roads,
grassy field green with life growing
and winter months bitter bites of

disappointment

would you be my emergency fall back?
my pint of ice cream
i go right in and don't even think
because i know it will make me feel better

would you be a candle in that corner of my darkest misery
and remind me of how life is beautiful
when there are people like you around?

remind me that i'm a romantic
that without ideals ,
we are nothing.

remind me of innocence
and childhood that releases the shackles of insecurity off from my bruised and reckless
wrists unnoticed

break
free
for me and let me out back into sweet reality

will you?

tell me all over
without getting tired of it
recollect the way that time can help
to heal and mend
things that are broken
like my soft and tarnished heart

bridges built for things far apart

mend the frays of my detraction

be my distraction

would you be
there like i promise to be
for you are
like my fondest memory
like a never regret
like a happy thought
sitting comfortably in my thoughts

soft tissue and strained laughter
scotch tape layered quick fix make me feel better

would you be

sing me a memory

2010-12-01T20:13:00.001-08:00

it's weird how songs can carry memories for you
and how a particular song can make you feel a certain way
that you've forgotten and wanted to forget.

when i listen to winter song,
i feel this way.
i remember the sting in my chest, whenever i breathed in the air around me
because i knew you weren't there
because i longed for reconciliation and for the angst to subside.

it's weird how songs can carry memories for you
and how they show how much you've changed

the way that i look back now,
and i am happy that we didn't end up together.

it's weird how i can listen to this song now
in peace
but still remember the way the memory of you is like hurt.

I miss...just freewriting stream of consciousness-like

2010-11-18T13:01:00.000-08:00

Sunshine. So bright. It blinds me.

But I find, the light, reminds me -

of a better brighter hope from this

unneccessary

yet so wonderful

bout of misery.

Yeah Sunshine

Notta thing to do with anything

But today I got tired of thinkin

And I wanted the sunshine to start sinkin

back into the skin

of my very dry academic soul.

So sun, shine on

even when I write without feeling

even when I sing without breathing

and when I wait without hoping

Shine on.

So that Sunshine, Light on

Light on

Remind me of Sunshine

dubba style?

2010-11-18T12:31:00.000-08:00

There are many reasons why I love my poetry class...and today is one of them.
Dub poet, Kylde Broox, came to speak to us, and it was awesome because it reminded me of the collective creative creation that we always got to do in arts classes...and I never really realized how much I missed those :(
Now I'm looking through my old "Weird" poems and seeing them differently...I never knew you could consider them as dub.

Good ta know!

Immune To Coffee

2010-11-09T07:47:00.001-08:00

There was a time when a sip would wake me up in a matter of seconds, those days are gone...

As I sit here in the basement of my university's library, cringing everytime this creep beside me keeps looking over at my computer screen, wondering why he can't just focus on his own work...

As I sip my large coffee, and contemplate not being tempted into playing some Tetris Battle, I wonder why my eyes begin to droop...

Alas, coffee has stopped working for me.

Sad days. What shall I turn to?! TEA?! I have long abandoned tea for it's sleep-inducing relaxants but now it seems I have no choice...

Stadt de Goethe

2010-11-06T15:11:00.000-07:00

Ummm, so I wanted a public blog

But I am ever so tempted to just write in my private one... it just has more freedom, what can I say? which is weird because not a lot of people even know about this one. Hmm... We shall see how it goes.

What a waste of a Saturday.
I felt sick all day.

All I did was sleep because I had this headache and I wanted some peace and quiet - but everyones all riled up and excited about Jaap coming and renovating everything so there was no moment of peace. I am not exaggerating. I think that's why I slept most of the day away - in hopes of getting the peace that never really happened.

So I gave up on sleep.
I said, Sleep, forget you. Obviously, you're not really going to help in this situation.
So, I ate popcorn. & Ice Cream.

And reflected upon my WEIRD dream where it was IN GERMAN (wth?)
There was a hybrid teacher of my grade 10 french teacher (mme. savard?) and Miss Stacy from Anne of Green Gables ...
And she wanted me to analyze some poems but first she had to tell me stuff in german.
One was " Stadt de Goethe"
?!?!?!?!?!

That's German + French + a Poet (oh haaay, they're German!)
+ I said "City of the Goth?"
And my friend Mike who does speak German comes around and says "Hint: BATMAN"
And I said "Gotham City?"

Random.
So.
Random.

I forgot what she said to that, but if you actually looked at it, it's Goethe's City. Weird huh.

angsty rant

2010-11-05T19:16:00.000-07:00

who am i?
i
am sick & tired of trying to
please you.
you are .
impossible.
Every Effort is in vain,
as you dig my hole deeper -
offering false peace,
you hold out your hand,
only to snatch it away
and laugh at my folly.

who are you?
friend or foe,
you are so unclear to me.
you smile so deceitfully,
and i fall into your trap.

you are an
Eccentricity.
A complex web of
Inconsistency
that is impossible for me to solve,
but i can't help but
Love
for you are my "family"

hello selfish.
hello inconsiderate
greetings, self-righteous.
how may you hurt me today?
am i nothing to you,
i ask.
or is there something
you see where i stand -

i am sincerity,
unplanned,
unpremeditated,
honesty.
keep me truthful,
and so swallow your pride
and ignorant ways.

hello blind,
goodbye light.

i must be with my family.
i must walk in the darkness.
i'll just sleep in peace.

- December 10, 2009 [ ORIGINAL POST ]

my bittersweet

2010-11-05T18:59:00.001-07:00

my bittersweet
my life-long constant
my near-death experience
& once-in-a-life-time Irreplaceable

my one retreat
my answered prayer
my love that is Unshakeable

i can't stop loving you
even through the stormy blast

the worlds are shaking
realities breaking
black&white
the pictures fading

unchanging is the past

my tears' reservoir
you are
my happy thought
you sit
far into distances
that i can't reach
not even the light
seems to shed hope
on our
Reconciling

your stubborness
your ugly pests my want of truth
your lies lie in your
puffed up chest
you hurt me with
your selfishness.

you speak of Freedom
of Peace & Joy

but you are my bittersweet

you write to "All"
you seek understanding

but you remain my bittersweet

away, suppose is your bitterness
away, you pose is your sweet distress
has faded,
been supressed,
you strive for joy
and happiness

yet you

maim me with your bittersweet.

- originally May 18, 2009 in [Original Post]

welcome to the interwebz

2010-11-05T14:28:00.000-07:00

dear new blog,
welcome to the interwebz!
welcome to my life -
join the family of my many blogs; my mark on the world of the internet.